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2013 July 16

book writer



hi am hiring for book writer if u like to write book or write about ur life and make a book about it and make money of of it and sale ur book am the women for the job am looking for people that love to do love poems to so if u like to read and write email me back with ur name and number and if u have a lil book u write and wanna get it heard and sale in stores am the women for that my name is ms [name] i be in malls and and book club and i have my 10 star for my lic so i know what am doing so email if u wanna make a book about ur life

A while back, there were a couple of publishers expressing interest in having YSaC do a book. Of course, this is back when you could sneeze on the internet and someone would want to publish it in dead tree form. Sadly, nothing ever came of that, and these days Dan and I frequently come across blog-to-books in the get-these-the-hell-out-of-our-store bins and say to each other, “Really? Really? CatsLickingFrogsWearingPartyHats.com got a book, and we didn’t? Really?”

It’s just as well, though, because long-term readers will remember that one of the problems the publishers assessed with our site was that it was too eclectic. The major kiss of death, though, was that it was too intellectual. One potential publisher pointed to a post in which we described French Prudential as the Maginot Line of furniture and decided that we were too esoteric for their needs. Then Google decided we were porn* and it was basically all over but the opera.

But not to worry! I can apparently get a job writing a book for Ms. 10 star license holder. Our market domination will not be thwarted! The fact that she is multiple women will really help with distributions in malls — she can cover more of them at once! We’ll be on Oprah’s bestseller list in no time, I can feel it.

Thanks, Kevin!

*Seriously, it was that post that made Google decide we were a porn site.

66 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 July 16

    hi im’ a big deel in teh litrry world u cn tell from my righting stile

    Adores: 11
    • 2013 July 16

      hay u stuhl meh krafsmenship! cahpee write enfrinjmint!

      (*Clutches hands and weeps disgustingly into pillow*)

      Adores: 4
    • 2013 July 16
      andy permalink

      hi am the copie editer an i dont c any thin rong wit this add

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 July 16
      HamCan permalink

      All your pages are belong to us!

      Adores: 6
  2. 2013 July 16

    i know what am doing

    And I am pretty sure you don’t, Sparkles.

    Adores: 14
    • 2013 July 16

      Even the stories I see on Library of the Fanned are more legible than her craigslist ad, Deer Christ

      (Disclaimer: actual speeling prolbem. My phone swapped out the dear I was going for, and I didn’t feel like changing it, so now my Lord and Saviour has horns and an issue with headlights.)

      Adores: 9
      • 2013 July 16

        We may riff on craptastical dreck, but at least it’s semi-coherent craptastical dreck. Although I do have a few on my slush pile that would make this ad look like it was written by Shakespeare.

        Adores: 3
        • 2013 July 16

          You’ll be saving those for later, right? I’d like to build up as much of my Sanity meter as I can before I get sent through a literary black hole.

          According to Indigo Prophecy’s Sanity scale, I’m at Stressed right now.

          Adores: 2
        • 2013 July 16

          I’ve got a “parody” fic I’m thinking of adding to my queue, the author tries way too hard to be funny and it just comes across as utter nonsense. I’ve read trollfics that are better than this thing.

          Adores: 3
        • 2013 July 16

          So, I’m going to need my Glasses of Nonchalant Skeptical Smirking, then?

          Crap.

          *Swaps “Good Natured Thin Rims” for aforementioned Nonchalant Skeptical Smirking Book Lenses*

          Why yes, I do have glasses for every occasion, why do you ask?

          Adores: 5
        • 2013 July 16

          :shoves bag of glasses under futon:

          Weird. I’ve never heard of such a thing.

          Adores: 7
        • 2013 July 16
          nojazzhere permalink

          :shoves bag of glasses under phooton:
          Weird. Now, I’ve never seen such a thing.
          …There, Ghostie…fixed it for ya…

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 July 16

          Might want to watch it with those comments, I’m still in my Skeptical Smirking glasses.

          Adores: 2
        • 2013 July 16

          This is exactly what I was thinking when I posted that comment. XD

          Adores: 3
  3. 2013 July 16

    I am jealous of Ms Sparks, for I only have 9 stars:

    The Sun (of course; everybody has this one)
    Proxima Centauri
    Alpha Centauri
    Tau Ceti
    Wolf 359
    Epsilon Eridani
    Epsilon Indi
    R136a1
    HE0107-5240

    Adores: 8
  4. 2013 July 16
    mudslicker permalink

    If’n u relly lik it u kin hav da writs
    It culd mak a millyun 4 u overnit
    If u must rahtern it, u can send it here
    But u ned a brak and u want 2 b a paypurbak riter
    Paypurbak riter

    Paypurbak riter

    Paypurbak riter, Paypurbak riter
    Paypurbak riter, Paypurbak riter
    Paypurbak riter, Paypurbak riter
    Paypurbak riter, Paypurbak riter

    Adores: 13
  5. 2013 July 16
    Ralph permalink

    I think I got at least 10 gold stars for my written work when I was in first grade, but they weren’t issuing writer’s licenses back then. Later on, I never bothered with the written test for the license, so my work remains unauthorized.

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 July 16

      Ow! un-authorized! Ow! I thought that was the work you never get around to writing. Ow! It only hurts when I laugh.

      Adores: 1
  6. 2013 July 16

    Mormons’ Magical Underwear! Maginot Line! Used panties! Viking chants! French shit!

    ::finishes hammering the last nail in the coffin::

    My work here is done. Muwahahahahahaha

    Adores: 15
    • 2013 July 16
      Bratty Innocence permalink

      “C…J”….sorry, but your work here is NEVER done…your sentence is LIFE..or a love poems…

      Adores: 9
      • 2013 July 16
        Kaziganthi permalink

        A love poem to so

        Ah, so you are so so-so…

        No wait

        A so by any other name is so…

        No, let’s try this

        To so or not too sew…

        Adores: 4
  7. 2013 July 16

    Sheesh, maybe if I wanted her to write me a ransom letter so people couldn’t trace it back to me, sure, I’d hire her in a heartbeat.

    But I’m not letting her within ten feet of my stories, no sir.

    Adores: 5
  8. 2013 July 16

    Sorry Hi, I have a certain set of standards that you apparently don’t meet. The following are just a few of those standards.
    A ghost writer should know the difference between “of” and “off”.
    A ghost writer should know the difference between “sale”, “sell”, and “sold”.
    A ghost writer should know the difference between “to” and “too”.
    A ghost writer should not have dissociative identity disorder. At least in your case you’re multiple women and not personalities of both gender, but I don’t want our story-writing sessions to be more interesting than the stories. Although to be fair there could be more money in videotaping that than in publishing short stories.
    A ghost writer should not be afraid of punctuation; rather, a ghost writer should be able to reasonably break my sentences if I get in one of my story-telling fits where the story is coming faster than my brain, fingers, or mouth can process.
    A ghost writer should know how to spell “you” and its variants.
    I’ll give you this – congrats on knowing how to spell “write”.

    Adores: 8
    • 2013 July 16

      Am seriously tempted to make multiple accounts so I can like this harder.

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 July 16
        nojazzhere permalink

        Can you do that???

        Adores: 4
        • 2013 July 16

          I dunno.

          Adores: 2
        • 2013 July 16
          Brer Fox permalink

          If I told you, someone might put a trap in my corner.

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 July 16

          Like who?

          *Is an innocent, innocent angel.*

          Adores: 3
        • 2013 July 16

          *waves hand* Me. But rumor has it that if you log on using different computers, say a laptop, your smarty phone, work computer, each time WordPress will allow you to like and adore the posts. It’s just a rumor.

          Adores: 2
        • 2013 July 16
          Anne [Miss] Elk permalink

          [koff] There is a theory [koff] which may or may not be [koff koff[ mine. This [koff] theory [koff] which is not mine [koff koff] alone, which is to say [koff] possessed but others [koff].

          Adores: 2
        • 2013 July 16
          Is.A.Manx permalink

          10 [error, nesting fail]
          11 [salmon treats]
          20 [if .NE. bowl ≈ empty; GOTO 11.1]
          21 [puuuuuuurrrrrrr]
          29 [ear scratch]
          40 [nap]
          40.5 [GOTO 20]
          11.1 [nesting fail]
          12 [turn around]
          13 [turn around]
          14 [turn around]
          30 [watch wallpaper]
          ∞ [vanish into own smile]

          Adores: 4
    • 2013 July 16
      andy permalink

      A ghost writer should, however, be afraid of exorcisms.

      Adores: 5
    • 2013 July 16
      Kaziganthi permalink

      A ghost writer should be a cat, ghostcat.

      Adores: 4
  9. 2013 July 16
    zero.nada.none. permalink

    Try!!!!!

    Adores: 2
  10. 2013 July 16
    andy permalink

    How does a book get heard? I’ve never had books that made noise, except for that one time the bookshelf collapsed at 5 a.m.

    Adores: 3
  11. 2013 July 16
    Brer Fox permalink

    GAAHH! I hate text-speak! If and when I text someone, I use complete words and complete sentences. Me nuts are really being driven by u and ur. Yargh.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 July 16

      I agree! I saw a t-shit I really liked except it used text speak. It said, Don’t u wish ur faghag was as hot as me? I don’t understand why the text speak was used at all.
      *disclaimer: I hope this doesn’t offend anyone. Some of my best friends are faghags. 8)

      Adores: 1
  12. 2013 July 16

    This totally has 21st century Pygmalion written all over it. I see two moderately tattooed college professors, one named Henry Higgins but goes by the name Hank, the other named Charlotte Pickering but goes by the name Pick, who debate the lamentable shape of internet communication and the concern that it may be lowering the bar of what is accepted as strong communication. This debate results in Pick issuing a challenge. She will choose a person who believes he or she writes well, but in fact has very poor written communication skills. The subject will audit a year of classes from Hank. At the end of the year Pick will grade all essays turned in by Hank’s students, with names removed. The measure of success is to be Pick’s ability or inability to identify which essay was submitted by the subject.

    Adores: 5
  13. 2013 July 16
    Brer Fox permalink

    my name is ms [name]

    my name is ms [paint]?

    Adores: 5
  14. 2013 July 16
    HamCan permalink

    i be in malls and and book club

    “I’m Not Only The President of Book Club For Idiots, I’m Also an Idiot.”

    Adores: 13
  15. 2013 July 16
    Not.A.Manx permalink

    Of course not.

    Adores: 3
  16. 2013 July 16
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Ten stars for your writing license? Tell me, did you get all ten stars on the same book, or did you have to write ten different books to get them?

    Then again, if those stars were for various grammatical infractions, color me unsurprised.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 July 16
      andy permalink

      I had a grammatical infarction due to reading this ad.

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 July 16

        So part of your grammar died due to a blocked artery and lack of oxygen to the subject matter? That’s intense!

        Adores: 2
  17. 2013 July 16

    I DID IT! THE SIDE BAR IS MINE! MINE!!!! Bwahahaha!

    Adores: 1
  18. 2013 July 17

    Gather round, Dave, Hammy, ferrets. Hammy, leave the ferrets alone. Dave, stop smacking Hammy with the newspaper. Ferrets, stop. . . oh, never mind. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Self!

    Adores: 1
  19. 2013 July 31
    Fire permalink

    For the record, I would buy a YSaC book in a minute!

    Adores: 1
    • 2013 July 31

      Thanks, Fire! I hope you’ll keep reading and commenting — this may be our sole outlet, but it’s one we love doing!

      Adores: 1

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