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2012 May 2

Miss Prunella was on a roll in the musician’s section of her local Craigslist, so here’s another one from her:

screamer one of the best


iv been interviewed by numerous scouts that wanted to play in there clients band but ire fused for my own resins and had 2 auditions for victory records and couldn’t make them because of work scream cover bands like silver stein and alesena and senses fail the best but better iv been doing this for 8 years iv been in 3 different bands i skated for [skateboard company] pro for 1 1/2 years and retired for my own reasons if ur interested in herring i will be more thenhappy to do a live demo any time better than any one u will ever here trust me no minor bullshit only looking for series band looking to make a cor rear of this thank u contact post or my num is xxx xxx xxxx name is lee

Oh, man, am I ever interested in herring! For example, did you know that herring played a pivotal role in the history of marine fisheries in Europe? Or that the USS Herring sank four Japanese ships on her last patrol? Or that Thomas Herring was the Archbishop of Canterbury from 1747 to 1757? Or that Clyde Herring was so disturbed by the War of the Worlds radio broadcast that he introduced legislation that would have required the FCC to approve all radio broadcasts ahead of time?

If he’s really looking to make a cor rear out of this, he might enjoy the rear disease podcast.

There’s lots more I can say about this ad, but I won’t for my own raisins.

78 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 May 2

    yeah lets all boycott punctuation and capitalization because its so great to just write things and keep on writing with absolutely no breaks whatsoever just imagine if everyone throughout history had ignored punctuation it would be like everyone had been part of writing one big long story that never ended which is sort of a poetic thought but it might be really tough for orators because they’d never be able to breatOh wait, this is a terrible idea.

    Adores: 7
    • 2012 May 2
      CapnMac permalink

      Many–far too many- of the “yoof” I meet speak, orate, in precisely this fashion. It is all stream of consciousness, unvetted for content or organization, just spewed out entire, en seriatum ad infinitum.

      It can be disconcerting to have such ‘compliment’ one for “writing like a book’–even as that might dispose one to weep in consequence.

      And, I cannot be entirely sure whether is was being inculcated–indoctrinated–in composition, of drafts and proofing, or whether it is a disinclination to the deconstructionist authors of the era.

      Such is life (arrgh, the elusive “c’est la vie” which I recent was sent in text as “Sa1l A V”, non realizement ‘voilá’ . . . )

      Adores: 1
    • 2012 May 2
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      Now, now. Sparky’s trying to be “green”, skimping on punctuation saves trees. Er, bandwidth. Or maybe electricity.

      Never mind. He’s just a dumbass.

      Adores: 6
      • 2012 May 3
        One Moving Violation permalink

        Out of all the different kinds of asses he could’ve been, he just had to choose the dumb one.

        Adores: 0
  2. 2012 May 2
    Digitalaxis permalink

    As someone whose ire fused various resins, I feel your pain, man. Seriously, I get really angry, and all they do is harness my rage to attach sticky stuff to each other… It WOULD make me mad to think about, but my senses fail, too.

    Adores: 9
  3. 2012 May 2

    I’ve been interviewed by numerous scouts for varnish companies, but I refused for my own resins.

    Adores: 10
  4. 2012 May 2
    CapnMac permalink

    I have been interviews by several raisins, but found wanting for too many resins. To which I must needs object, being cured.

    Adores: 4
  5. 2012 May 2
    CapnMac permalink

    Because of my age, experience, and aculturation, “herring” makes me grok Opus.

    O that I could find a field of dandelions (tho- my sinuses would prefer dande.not.lions).

    Adores: 5
    • 2012 May 2
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      Hearts for the Bloom County ref.

      Re sinuses and allergies: I was finally able to get to an MD yesterday, after 3 days of having no voice* and no sleep from coughing all night. Acute sinu-something and something-citus that required a painful but boy-it-worked shot in the booty and I feel now like I could run a marathon.

      *Ever tried to talk over a PA with a voice that sounds like Kermit the frog choking? Try it. Entertaining for you and everyone around you.

      Adores: 6
      • 2012 May 2

        Why yes. Yes, I have. 8)

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 2
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          No one could hear my pages!!! The lady with a desk beside mine had pity on me and paged my quality person and lead for me. And the lady at the drive thru at McD’s couldn’t understand me and I had to pull up to the window and tell her what I wanted and from the look on her face, sheesh, did I ruin her day! DANG! Sorry!

          This rant was brought to you by Nyquill. For when you’re sick as a dog and can’t make it to the doctor, just drink a few quarts of our product. You’ll feel like poo in the morning, but at least you’ll be able to sleep.

          Adores: 3
      • 2012 May 2
        wanda permalink

        I’ll have what she’s having. What a bubbly monkey!

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 2
          Ralph permalink

          Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

          So I looked around my house to see things I started and haven’t finished, and so I finished a bottle of merlot, a bottle of chardonnay, a bodle of baileys, a buttle of wum, a pockage of prungles, the mainder of bot prozic and caliuminun scriptinsm, the res of the of the chesecake and a bx of chocltz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablis i feel rite now. Pleese sen dhis orn to yor frens in nede of inna piss. An telum you fukin luvum!!

          Adores: 7
      • 2012 May 2
        Bridgete (is back...?) permalink

        A few months ago, I lost my voice completely from a cold or some such thing. I still went to work even though I work on the phone, mainly because I also send numerous emails. Boy did I send a lot of emails that week.

        I didn’t attempt any drive-thrus. I did, however, write a note to the coffee ladies at Marylou’s, who are all very sweet and completely understood my plight.

        Adores: 4
        • 2012 May 2
          Kaziganthi permalink

          I’ll stick with whatever concoction the hospital gave me today, I’m feelin’ no pain. ??

          Adores: 1
  6. 2012 May 2

    work scream

    I feel your pain buddy…

    Adores: 7
  7. 2012 May 2
    kelli permalink

    Yesterday, which still seems like today since I have not slept, I managed to be in an inordinate amount of pain, I was ignored at what is normally one of my favorite food places, I bought a bag of Doritos from a vending machine, the bag ripped open as I retrieved it spilling the Doritos onto the ground, I had to go to work early for no reason, while at work I managed to accidentally kick a broken tea jar into a six pack of soda causing one of the cans to puncture and spray all over my jeans, a minute after our porter had cleaned up my mess, I managed to drop an already splitting watermelon whose juice and pulp mingled with the soda on my pants, while doing go-backs, I managed to drip blood from a package of meat all over my hand, later I dropped a gel toilet bowl cleaner onto the floor which somehow missed my pants, after work I had to go straight to the library on campus to finish a test that was due by midnight, and I got there at 10:20 pm, and I finished the test by the deadline but not in time to catch the last bus home, so I stayed at the library and did more homework as my pants dried and got crusty and my contacts became more and more uncomfortable, but I perservered and made it to this morning and I would rather go through all of that again than to try and deal with this ad.

    Adores: 14
  8. 2012 May 2

    because of work scream….in herring i will be more thenhappy…. any time better than any one…no minor bullshit only looking

    *adjusts beret, lights herbal cigarette, snaps fingers and pushes ray-bans back up her nose*

    Yeah, baby, sing it.

    Sing it with resins and ire.

    Adores: 5
  9. 2012 May 2
    funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

    “senses fail the best ”

    As English comp was failed by Sparky.

    Adores: 3
  10. 2012 May 2

    [reluctant corey] My nephew likes screamer bands and, much like YSaC, they are exactly what it says on the tin. Collectively, they all sound like the inner circle of Hell with a backbeat. [/reluctant corey]

    Adores: 13
    • 2012 May 2

      Storytime!!

      I have a coirker named…well, let’s call him Hey-Zeus…because he looks like the Christ, and that’s his nickname ’round these parts.

      Anyway, Hey-Zeus is a member of one of those death-metal bands.

      Another coirker sent me a video of Hey-Zeus and his death-metal band performing something I believe was supposed to be a ‘song’.

      It was mostly Hey-Zeus and his bandmates playing instruments, swinging their ample heads of hair in clockwise, counterclockwise, up and down motions.

      Their lead ‘singer’ appeared to be possessed by demons or perhaps he’d recently used Veet for Men on his nether regions.

      Or both.

      Now, after viewing said video I approached my extremely soft-spoken and laid back coirker, Hey-Zeus, with the questions which vexed me.

      How did his neck feel after one of those sessions? He replied that for THREE days after the shoot he couldn’t turn his head. I told him when he got older that three days would turn into three months.

      And, did the band members ever hit each other with instruments or heads during these ‘performances’? Yes, he said, mostly the lead ‘singer’ was guilty of this.

      So, is your lead singer really a demon in disguise? No, actually he’s a voice-over artist for local commercials and…an audio-recording artist for children’s books.

      /end storytime

      Adores: 5
      • 2012 May 2
        Lola permalink

        This is like when my [relative] told me about hosting a hardcore band (she knows the singer from work) when they were touring. Lots of tats and piercings, filthy from living out of a van … and totally polite and good guests (probably just grateful to be sleeping not in the van and bathing not out of a sink).

        I told her to tell them to look me up when they were in town! My kind of houseguests!

        Band image is just that – image.

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 May 2

          A former student of mine is in a regionally popular (and getting more popular, and deservedly so) band. They had a series of gigs in our area last year, so we had the band stay at our house as housesitters while we were out of town for a week. They were the best houseguests we’ve ever had!

          Adores: 3
        • 2012 May 2
          SilvaNoir permalink

          A friend took me to a cheap hardcore concert in highschool. The “singer” (screamer) sounded like a very angry wolf and screamed so much his face turned red…. he reached for his water bottle and after realizing it was empty, passed out (in the same way Wile.E.Coyote looks down and realizes he’s run off the cliff and THEN falls). End of concert. My friend said it was the worst band he ever saw. I meanwhile, was laughing my butt off.

          Adores: 6
        • 2012 May 2

          Pink Martini!

          Adores: 1
      • 2012 May 2
        One Moving Violation permalink

        I was just about to google coirker, then it hit me.
        *door flinging*

        Adores: 1
  11. 2012 May 2
    The Other Dave permalink

    Why would any band want to make a career of a woman doing things with a herring?

    Adores: 2
  12. 2012 May 2
    camille permalink

    1. If the scouts want to play in their clients’ bands, why don’t they just ask their clients?
    2. If you’ve already missed two auditions because of work, your track record for showing up is not so hot – why would I want to ask you to do a live demo?
    3. Why is it that you can spell “reasons” when it comes to retiring from skateboarding but not when it comes to fusing your ire?

    Adores: 3
  13. 2012 May 2

    So, what part of [Ish] is [skateboard company] located in?

    Adores: 3
  14. 2012 May 2

    i skated for [skateboard company] pro for 1 1/2 years and retired for my own reasons

    Those reasons being: “I suck at skateboarding and get booed by the sponsors whenever I show up for a competition. They gave me $200,000 to retire so I took it!”

    Adores: 8
    • 2012 May 2

      Hell, I’ll take half that for sucking at skateboarding!

      Given the fact that I’ve never set foot on a skateboard, I’m pretty sure I’d ace this one.

      I’ll also take a considerable sum of money to never show up anywhere dressed in a bikini.

      Take your pick.

      Adores: 7
    • 2012 May 2
      Lola permalink

      I’m thinking that Sparky had to re ire because he’d forgotten his helmet during a wall-of-death attempt … and that this may inform, so to speak, his language abilities.
      Or, he’s just an idiot.

      Adores: 3
  15. 2012 May 2
    Supreme Ruler permalink

    This reads just like the ramblings of a friend of mine who has spent the last 30-some years trying to be a rock-n-roll star, without an iota of talent. Strangely, his self produced recordings have a following in indie circuits. As they say – there’s someone for everyone.

    Adores: 0
    • 2012 May 2
      Lola permalink

      Is this a case of people ironically liking something because it is bad?

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 May 2
        Supreme Ruler permalink

        Lola, I wish. It happened long before hipsters though.

        Adores: 0
        • 2012 May 2
          SilvaNoir permalink

          Liking something before there were hipsters has got to be the ultimate hipster claim.

          Adores: 6
        • 2012 May 2

          Well, if he’s already mildly popular with anyone the hipsters will have no use for him now.

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 2
          Brer Fox permalink

          If you fall down and break your Hipster, what therapy is best?

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 2
          camille permalink

          It’s an obscure therapy that you’ve probably never heard of.

          Adores: 5
        • 2012 May 2
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Something cool and old and vintage – like maybe bleeding with leeches.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 2

          Or drilling a hole in their heads to let the evil spirits out. Something’s gotta be making them act that way and it’s as good an explanation as any.

          Adores: 2
  16. 2012 May 2

    You can tell he’s really not a good screamer, because he types everything in lowercase.

    Adores: 12
  17. 2012 May 2
    Mike permalink

    Understanding song texts for me is often difficult. I blamed that on my poor english skills, but maybe it is just because the singers english is way worse.
    I do agree with sparky though, this is no minor bullshit, this is grade A major bullshit.

    Adores: 5
    • 2012 May 2
      Bridgete (is back...?) permalink

      It’s probably the singers’ diction. The diction in most popular music is absolutely atrocious. Putting aside “music” like that executed by screamer bands, as I dare you to find any actual words in *those* lyrics, most singers do not seem to understand that the primary point of lyrics is that they be understood, and to be understood one must learn and utilize proper diction. Otherwise you may as well just do some elaborate vocal warm ups on vowel sounds.

      /singer’s rant

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 May 2
        One Moving Violation permalink

        YYYYEEEAAHHHHHOOOAOOOAAAEEEAAAAUUUIIIIIIEOOOHHHAAAAAOOIIYYYAEEAAAOOAAUU!!!!!!!!
        YYYYEEEAAHHHHHOOOAOOOAAAEEEAAAAUUUIIIIIIEOOOHHHNANANAOIIYYYAEEAOWWW!!!!OOOWWWW!!!!AAAAOOOOWWWWW!!!

        Closed Captioning for the herring impaired.

        Edit: Outside the box.Honest! I don’t know how that happened.

        Adores: 5
        • 2012 May 3

          *blows whistle* Five yard penalty, One. You broke the format.

          Adores: 1
      • 2012 May 2

        A few of TacoMa’am’s favorite artists are like that. I often sing along with their song with snarky words that sound really close to what they may actually be trying to sing.

        One of my favorite is by a guy singing about “his declaration.” It’s awesome because it sounds for all the world like he’s singing about “his decoration” because he pretty much skips the L. I got swatted the other day because I ruined the song for TacoMa’am. Apparently, now all she can hear is him singing about his decoration.

        Now whenever the song comes on I just sing over him with any word that ends in “ation.” My favorite so far is singing about my declination.

        It’s an interesting state of music that we can look to bands like They Might Be Giants to see how music is “supposed” to be. For me they’ve always brought an awesome mix of musical talent, lyrical vision, and enunciation.

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 May 3
          One Moving Violation permalink

          Huh, I do that also.

          “Bingo Jed had a light on”
          or
          “I wanna fry up an eagle just to see,
          fry up an eagle like a chicken fricassee”
          or
          “Goodness gracious, great bowls of fiber!”

          I also do dialogue in movies 3 seconds before the actors and actresses say their lines like I’m coaching them.
          I know how to irritate my relatives.

          Adores: 1
  18. 2012 May 2
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Interested in Herring is my black metal Phish cover band.

    Yeah, that’s right. Think 28-minute jam band fronted by Shagrath.

    (Our set lists are decidedly short, for some reason.)

    Adores: 10
    • 2012 May 2
      wanda permalink

      I shall get pickled and come see them sometime. Ba-dump-bump!

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 May 2
      Lola permalink

      Do their concert contracts include a rider for a chiropractor, and an EMS-style backboard for after? 28 minutes of headbanging is about 27:45 more than seems healthy.

      Adores: 1
    • 2012 May 2
      MandaB permalink

      Sounds fishy to me.

      Adores: 0
      • 2012 May 2
        Ralph permalink

        It’s too bad Sparky only has herring, or he could answer this ad.

        Adores: 0
        • 2018 April 7
          Decelerate Spoon permalink

          I thought this joke smelt, but this guy really knew how to drop the bass.
          And it flopped around everywhere on the floor. Awkward.

          Adores: 0
  19. 2012 May 2
    One Moving Violation permalink

    I prefer moaners over screamers, as long as they are not bitching and moaners.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 May 2

      Screamers can be fun, too – provided you don’t have any nosy neighbors or overly excitable pets.

      Adores: 2
  20. 2012 May 2
    Brer Fox permalink

    “no minor bullshit”

    Being a ruralite/ruralist/from a rural area (several in fact), I’m still not sure how to tell the difference between bull-calf shit or heifer-calf shit. That being said, if you have any kind of feces on your stage while you are performing, you’re likely to slip and bang more than your head. Then the cowboys you’re performing for are going to laugh their asses off.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 May 2
      CapnMac permalink

      [bovine excrement corey]
      If I remember rightly, dairy manure is of higher praise/value than that of steers or bulls. The latter will be affected by what forage the stock are pastured upon.

      But, like as not, it refers to the excrement that piles up in a feed-lot or outside a slaughterhouse. The majority of that stock is male (nominally “bull”), and the excrement will suffer from the diet change and from stress from transport. This would not make a product easy to market.
      [/corey]

      Adores: 0
      • 2012 May 2

        I am an expert on sh*t.

        I kid you not.

        I have been in the sh*t business in one form or another since 1978. True fact. Until 2004, I owned (in partnership) a business that did custom spreading of sh*t. Yep. Custom. All kinds of sh*t. Dairy cow, pig, chicken and turkey. They all have various properties that serve agriculture well in the form of fertilizer. It comes in different forms: wet, dry and sludge. A variety of application needs are served by such pieces of equipment including loaders, excavators, dredges, pumps and spreaders. After numerous years in the business, by smell alone I could identify not only what type of sh*t it was, but also the farm/ranch from which it originated. It is that distinctive. I am now in the septic tank/portable toilet business. Probably all I need to say about that is it sure has job security.

        (A proud moment, to be sure, but not quite what I had in mind when I graduated high school and looked with shining eyes and a determined step toward my future.)

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 May 2

          You spell the word shit really weird, Archy.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 May 2

          That’s the Klingon pronunciation.

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 May 3
          One Moving Violation permalink

          Yea, she only has the jot for the i

          Adores: 0
  21. 2012 May 2
    SpaceBug permalink

    B4S Wanted: of the Best Screamer

    series band looking for screamer.
    no minor bullshit only major keys occashunal ogmented sevenths only the best pros if ur lookin for a grate cor rear i will b mor thenhappy in herring yur demo iv had this band 4 years we are upgreating are band from the lhasa apso yappers to the screamin yellow banshees -snacks provided 4 all rehersals- fused ire a + hit me up xxx xxx xxx x

    Adores: 2
  22. 2012 May 2
    Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

    “any time better than any one”

    Why do you think time (n.) is better than one (adj.)?
    They like, go together so well, you know?
    Like, “this one time at band camp…”?
    Like, there are some things you only want to do one time. Because if you did them twice it would just be dumb. Like banging your head or screaming to music or having minor bullshit in your band or posting an ad like this one or not using puncuation or not making an audition or wasting any time for any one or…

    Adores: 2
  23. 2012 May 2

    [personal o/t]

    As many of you know, my stepson is active EOD and has served in Bahrain, Iraq and just recently returned from Afghanistan. A week ago he lost a friend and comrade, Lt. Chris Mosko, USN-EOD. He was memorialized by his brother soldiers in this way:

    “Chris, you were always a walking testimony of how the mission and men came before the self. (We) know now, April 26th 2012, was no different and (we) will not forget.”

    Please, if you have a moment today, send out wishes and prayers for his family, friends and loved ones and also to all our soldiers and their families across the world. Their sacrifice is immeasurable.

    Thank you, friends.

    [end personal o/t]

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 May 3
      One Moving Violation permalink

      Always a thumbs up to our military men and women.
      Wouldn’t take me. Passed all my tests except one. Problem with my head (medical).

      Adores: 1
  24. 2012 May 2

    Just consider it glitter…

    * * *
    ** * * * *
    ** * ***
    ** * **

    See?

    ??

    Adores: 1
  25. 2012 May 3

    Space Bug, so glad you shared your excellent meme-ory with us! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Afghanistan, and God Bless.

    Adores: 0

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